I don't like today but I love you

I don't like today

I don't like today! I don't like the thoughts in my head, the feeling in my stomach and the things I have seen. I don't like today because I feel negative and I don't like myself. I don't like today because I feel I have not given my daughter any attention and I don't like today because I feel all this is due to one underlying factor and that is because I don't have a stable home and relationship where I feel loved. I don't like today because I am jealous of everyone around me, for what they have for who they have and what they are doing. I don't like today because I want to run away and I can't. I don't like today because I don't have what I want. I don't like today because I'm not rich and I want to be. I don't like today because today is a struggle and I am tired. I don't like today because someone was rude to me. I don't like today because I feel so lost.

I will love tomorrow because it is a new day. I will love tomorrow because I will be positive. I will love tomorrow because I have a great meeting arranged. I will love tomorrow because I will meet someone new. I will love tomorrow because I will learn something new. I will love tomorrow because I have survived another day, I will love tomorrow because I get to wake up to my beautiful daughter. I will love tomorrow because I have a fantastic life. I will love tomorrow because I am worthy of a great life. I will love tomorrow because I love myself. I will love tomorrow because of the people in my life. I will love tomorrow because I am grateful for the air I breathe and I will love tomorrow and every day after because I have the greatest gift of all man kind and that is my daughter who I created and who I unconditionally love and that is the most pure and fantastic thing over anything in this world.

Good night.

Sex

Lets talk about sex baby lets talk about you and me! So everyone does it, it is human nature yet we don't openly talk about it (unless in close circles of friends) so I thought I would write a blog about Sex.


First of all what is it? Sex is an activity between two consenting adults that involve the sexual organs ;) this can be between male and female or same sex couples. It is an activity that I am sure everyone will agree is extremely enjoyable with the right person. It is also that act that creates new life helping the world to go round.

So throughout my life and reaching an age where I began to become sexually active I have learnt a lot about sex and have come to my own conclusions on what I think it is and should be about. I believe that the best sex comes with a connection and that sex with emotion is the best type. I'm sure it is safe to say that I have experienced what you would call a "one night stand" and looking back this was probably the most degrading and horrible sexual experience I have ever encountered. I guess you get to an age where you realise being celibate is far more satisfying then just sleeping with anyone for a moment of so called pleasure. Sex is a massive part of life and what someone interprets as their best experience will be totally different from someone else, however I do believe that you should trust someone and feel comfortable enough to perform such an intimate act. I would not necessarily say you have to love someone as that can develop later on in a relationship further down the line.


I've been having a chat recently with some friends about "swinging" not that any of us wish to participate in this but about people that do! With lots of documentaries on the TV and various advertisements around I find it very hard to comprehend how you can watch someone you are meant to "love" perform a sexual intimate act with another person! Do they really love each other? Is it a form of cheating? Could we even say its a form of self-harm? I for one would not wish to be involved in such behaviour and cannot understand the reasons why someone would. 

I am not sure I like the word "Sex" I feel this is more suited to one night stands and sexual experimenting. I find "making love" cringe worthy so I think I prefer the term "sleeping with someone" it also leaves more to the imagination.

I also believe that as much as we may joke about sex, it is an intimate act that should remain personal between two people. We all have that animal instinct that needs to scratch an itch but after having my daughter and becoming a single mum I have really started to appreciate the value of sex and to recognise that I only want that intimacy with someone who I potentially will end up with. My body is to be respected not abused and for a healthy mind we need a healthy body! 


I have been very fortunate in having a fantastic sexual experience where I felt butterflies and the feeling that I could not breathe with lust! What it taught me was that I won't settle for entering that situation with someone who makes me feel any less than they did. When you are a single parent it is very easy to grab a one night stand because you are craving attention, but that attention is short lived and the best feeling comes when you wake up still in that persons arms :)


Tara xxx

Innocent Minds

Today I had the greatest pleasure & privilege to be the first person to read my friends poem. This was no ordinary poem, this was a poem created from the emotions, thoughts & experiences of becoming a single father to two beautiful boys. Something I know would of been hard to share and open up about as a man. This poem is totally inspiring and beautifully written and I really believe he deserves to have this published. We are always hearing about single mothers so it is refreshing to have the perspective from a single father, especially in this context. So tonight a huge thank you goes to Richard Harvey, for not only sharing his story but for being a good friend and father :) I hope you get all what you deserve in life because you truly are a wonderful guy. Girls and boys I give you: Innocent Minds by Richard Harvey:

Innocent minds:

The Pain hit me so hard

Deep inside my heart

Day by day it grew

Taking away all I knew

Clotting my veins

Beating my brain

I was battling inside, just to stay sane

My life was on hold

No way to escape

I was crying inside

And starting to break

I had lost all that I knew

And thought my time was through

My head felt so numb

My body refused to run

Days were too long

Nights were too short

I was dying inside or so I thought

Hide away and be no one

Put up a barrier to everyone

That's how I felt

That's what I did

Hide all emotions to all that lived

No one will know

No will care

I'm alone in this world

Refusing to share

The guilt set in

Happiness was gone

I was stunned and alone

Lost in a world below the unknown

I tried so hard to find the way

The way to end every crying day

Scared to be free

From a life I thought was right for me

I couldn't find the way 

The way to break free

From all this pain, building up inside of me

I fought from inside to find me again

Tears, sadness was all I had gained

Days, weeks, years became so lame

Time had stopped 

Passed me by

I had become a single cry 

Lost in the dark far from the sun

This is where I found no one

I needed to realise this battle could be won

And that I was not the only one

In this situation feeling so numb

Deep down I knew this wasn't for me

Beneath the surface I was dying to break free

The help I needed was there for sure

Accepting this was harder than ever before

Throughout it all the innocent minds kept on

Keeping me battling when all felt wrong

Eyes deep with emotions

Hearts flowing with gold

Minds so pure

Story's un told

A thrive for life I felt was no more

This was the answer for me for sure

Without the innocent minds

Who knows where i would be

That love cleared the way

And showed me the path to stay

On that path I found just me

Not alone or sad 

But happy and ready to be free

I liked who I found

And took pride in what I was bound

Crushing the pain beneath the thumping strain

This was the way

The way to a happy end of day

They showed me the way 

The way to be me

Guided by the love that they shared so free

I took hold and prayed

I had reason to be brave

The same reason that made me feel so grey

I learnt I had more

More than ever before

A life so strong

One that will last forever long

That was my life

A life to provide

Provide for the ones that gave me reason to survive

I was happy again

Stronger than before

Proud of all the minds so pure

The smiles

The laughter

It all meant more

So much more than ever before

I swore I wouldn't look back

Positive and happy is what I lacked

Except to remember what it was that attacked

Back in the day when it all seemed so black

Now is my time 

My time to shine

Stay happy and continue to climb

Those are the words that will ring in my mind

I must not forget the bad times I survived

And the power from those who allowed me to thrive 

The innocent minds that change my time.

The minds that belong to two children I call mine.....

The journey is the best bit....

I recently had a friend say to me "enjoy the journey instead of longing for the destination" these words really stuck in my mind and I started to replay my whole life and all the great memories I have. As I started to remember certain aspects I tried to recall my thoughts and feelings at those times and what I could remember is that I was very happy. I then started to think about why I am now so keen on reaching certain goals or destinations without acknowledging or enjoying the current path I am on? Maybe it's a combination of things such as my age, my circumstances, my insecurities etc. whatever these reasons are her words have struck a cord with me and I now have really taken note!


Sometimes the things you want or the things you think you want are actually wrong for you. If you are so desperate for something that you don't have then it is probably not meant to be yours because if it was it would come easy and the obsession to reach the destination would not be there. We can all get so caught up in trying to achieve so much so quickly that we loose focus on how great and enjoyable our current path is. A lot of the time we won't reach a certain destination because life throws curve balls every now and then! This is when we need to embrace the good with the bad and enjoy the ride, even negatives become positives because they teach us new things and make us stronger people.

When you are trying to escape your life because you feel overwhelmed it is all to easy to yearn to have the life of another, however no one is perfect and a life that may appear Rosie to the eye often has its own problems and is not necessarily suited to all people. As I sit and focus on what I have I realise that I have achieved a lot! I have studied at university and gained a BA Hons degree, I have visited many exotic countries, I have moved away from home, I have partied until I cannot party anymore! making the most amazing friends along the way and I have created a beautiful life, my daughter. Maybe it is because I have experienced all these wonderful things that I long for them once again! However at 30 it is time to get in the real world and stop trying to live a dream life. I am truly blessed with my daughter and although life is a struggle, whose isn't! I am on a journey that I am now enjoying, life throws the most random things at you at times and I am really experiencing some great new openings which I am grasping with both hands. Whatever our destination is I am really enjoying the ride whilst making fantastic connections. We are all in control of our own destiny and I am damn intent in spreading my wings and making the best of it.......

So my advice to you is this, don't get bogged down by feeling that happiness is only achieved by the destination, because most of our fondest memories have been our journeys to where we are now! Enjoy what you have and treat the people you have around you with respect. You never know what tomorrow holds. Keep those goals in mind and go for them :)

Tara xxxx

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I want to run away

I want to run away
Sometimes I get that feeling where I can't breathe, as though I am held down by chains. I feel that no matter where I go or what I do I cannot escape my life. I guess this is a feeling experienced not only single parents but couples too! However as a single parent with hardly any family this feeling can become very overwhelming and scary at times.
I think it is safe to say this feeling has a huge impact on my life and mood. It affects not only my feelings but my thoughts and behaviours. When you get days like this it can be all too easy to feel alone and isolated but I know for a fact there are many more people out there feeling just the same. It is hard when you feel trapped and you are watching all your friends and family moving forward with their lives whilst you feel like time is standing still for you and no matter what you try to do you continue to move backwards not forwards.
Maybe this week has been a tougher than tough week for me for many reasons but I just feel like I want to run away. I love my daughter more than life itself but knowing I am solely responsible for her and knowing I now can't do certain things is really suffocating me at the moment. I feel overly tired, sad, unhappy and fat! Perhaps I need a good nights sleep but the fact remains my responsibility will still be waiting for me in the morning.
It is funny how if you put a full face of make up on, some nice clothes and dress your child accordingly you give of that air of "doing well" it is a great disguise for the troubles deep in the heart. All the material things in the world right now could not make up for the stability I long for and for the day I finally feel content and happy. I have a beautiful daughter yet I can't help but feel isolated, alone and held down in chains! As selfish as this may sound to some this is a true feeling that I am sure many others feel but are too embarrassed to admit to it.
How many other single parents out there feel the same? With over a quarter of the UK households (26%) belonging to single parents, which in numbers equate to 2million people, I reckon there are many who feel the same as me. I am not going to run away but I do strongly believe there should be a much bigger outreach and support network for single parents to help with feelings such as these and to establish a sense of community, care & advice. This is my aim with Dream Bear and will continue to be so until we reach it and it gets the recognition it deserves. I have been told by a few that my blogs are too personal or too out there, I however disagree. This is real life, I am not ashamed and am an honest person. I want my blogs to reach people in the same situations so that they can identify and not feel so alone. It is my life and I want to make something positive of it by helping others.
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Thank you Tara xxxxx