A new relationship.....

It was in the tasty Costa coffee that I overheard two women discussing a new relationship one had started. We overhear so many conversations in so many situations but what caught my attention to this particular one, was the topic of when to introduce that new partner to their child! For me this is such an important subject as a single parent, this is something I feel I have got wrong in the past.

So when is the right time to introduce your new partner to your child? Whilst I think that only a few weeks of dating is too soon I also believe there is no right or wrong here. Relationships can last or they can end, the most important factor should be in considering your child's feelings and needs. Maybe introducing that partner as a friend at the start would be best suited, as it gives the child time to adapt, does not put pressure on the relationship and also helps ease the situation if the relationship ends.

There are so many factors to keep in mind. How does this new relationship affect the children involved, the new partner and the biological parents of the children?! I have in the past been in the position where I have allowed a new partner I was dating to meet Isla Mae. I must say I was lucky that they seem to adore her, however she did get a little bit attached and when that relationship came to an end she could not understand why she would not see them again. I was at blame here as I let her become part of this relationship early on! however I have learnt from this and I now know that when that time comes again I will not introduce them to Isla Mae until I am certain the relationship is serious enough.

You could say let's wait 6 months, you could wait a year.......but who knows what is round the corner! Relationships can last twenty years and then fall apart, as long as a child is thought about, loved and cared the transition should be a smooth happy change.

It is nice to hear stories from parents, who are re-married with children from their previous relationship but who get on extremely well. For some this is not the case and I have a couple of friends who are at constant battle with the other biological parent over their new relationship. I guess for myself this is a privilege I don't have! As Isla-Mae's biological father is not part of our lives and never will be.....every cloud ;)

So i guess the moral of the story here is, no time is the right time but the way you handle the situation can be! Don't put pressure on yourself or beat yourself up if you get it wrong. There is no right or wrong, just be patient and caring to your child's needs and let them know how much they are loved. I would definitely recommend introducing that new partner as a friend at the start. I know that when Mr Right knocks on my door I will be doing just that :)

Love to you all

Tara & Dream Bear xxxxx

The Beginning

With a glass of red in one hand and a cigaret in the other, I have, after a few turbulent weeks finally found my bloggers mojo! It has taken me an evening of copious amounts of alcohol and close friends to reach my next blog.....the beginning!!

I guess in times when you are feeling so low that only yourself can describe as lost! Is the time when you have feelings such as being engulfed in a black cloud, where you feel you have no where to run but then realise that you have everything, everything you ever wanted or needed around you! My friends :) At times it can be hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel, to see where your future lies, but then suddenly it's like a light switch flickers on and you see that your destiny is a future from the current journey you are riding.

My journey started with that Teddy bear known as Dream Bear, the bear that has not only brought my daughter such happiness and comfort but also brought me a vast amount of love and reassurance! To some this may seem silly or even ridiculous however this Teddy Bear has become the glue and missing jigsaw puzzle to so many things in our life.

He is our guidance, our support, our friend, our family, our neighbour, our counsellor, best friend and soul mate. Dream Bear is our passion and he will continue to help us grow as a family and hopefully help other single parents.

From the the day I got my new bed from Dreams bed store, the teddy that was given to us free with that bed has given my daughter the extra support structure that she needed and lacked from another parent......her biological father.

Being a single mother I have always been passionate about the rights, advice, support and information that is available in such a crucial and hard role. It is my passion and aim to help other single parents in such positions to succeed, feel happy, loved and parent their child in the best way possible with the use of my wing man Dream Bear. I genuinely feel that there is a shortage in help for single parents as there is so much that goes with this label, such as depression, financial worry, social acceptance, emotional support, physical support such as funded childcare, abuse, relationship advice etc, my list could go on and on. Sometimes and not just single parents, go through such pain and will feel completely overwhelmed by certain circumstances, I want to open that communication channel where when in these situations a person can come to Dream Bear and feel like they have a friend :)

Dream Bear is a support network I have set up to help do just that. I have been overwhelmed by the feedback and messages I receive across the UK from single parents in similar situations, which each day gives me the acknowledgement and reassurance in knowing that I am doing the right job! It started with me writing (blogging) about my thoughts, feelings, behaviours and fears and has now travelled into the social media world with myself being made an official blogger for mumsnet and I am also having a website created where there will be a forum for single parents to chat, along with lots of information, advice, offers and lifestyle content. Dream bear is on a journey, we have a clear direction but with day to day life experiences and feedback from the public, we continue to evolve, heading in many directions. We have celebrity backing which helps us immensely and also confirms our worth.
Our beginning began the day I fell pregnant and continues to grow 4 years on!

If you would be interested in volunteering in anyway then please contact myself (Tara) on the Dream Bear Facebook page :) We would love your help! A special thanks here goes to all those who have helped me make this dream a reality! I love you all long time, you know who you are :)

Good evening guys and dolls
Tara & Dream Bear xxxxxxx

Innocent Minds

Today I had the greatest pleasure & privilege to be the first person to read my friends poem. This was no ordinary poem, this was a poem created from the emotions, thoughts & experiences of becoming a single father to two beautiful boys. Something I know would of been hard to share and open up about as a man. This poem is totally inspiring and beautifully written and I really believe he deserves to have this published. We are always hearing about single mothers so it is refreshing to have the perspective from a single father, especially in this context. So tonight a huge thank you goes to Richard Harvey, for not only sharing his story but for being a good friend and father :) I hope you get all what you deserve in life because you truly are a wonderful guy. Girls and boys I give you: Innocent Minds by Richard Harvey:

Innocent minds:

The Pain hit me so hard

Deep inside my heart

Day by day it grew

Taking away all I knew

Clotting my veins

Beating my brain

I was battling inside, just to stay sane

My life was on hold

No way to escape

I was crying inside

And starting to break

I had lost all that I knew

And thought my time was through

My head felt so numb

My body refused to run

Days were too long

Nights were too short

I was dying inside or so I thought

Hide away and be no one

Put up a barrier to everyone

That's how I felt

That's what I did

Hide all emotions to all that lived

No one will know

No will care

I'm alone in this world

Refusing to share

The guilt set in

Happiness was gone

I was stunned and alone

Lost in a world below the unknown

I tried so hard to find the way

The way to end every crying day

Scared to be free

From a life I thought was right for me

I couldn't find the way 

The way to break free

From all this pain, building up inside of me

I fought from inside to find me again

Tears, sadness was all I had gained

Days, weeks, years became so lame

Time had stopped 

Passed me by

I had become a single cry 

Lost in the dark far from the sun

This is where I found no one

I needed to realise this battle could be won

And that I was not the only one

In this situation feeling so numb

Deep down I knew this wasn't for me

Beneath the surface I was dying to break free

The help I needed was there for sure

Accepting this was harder than ever before

Throughout it all the innocent minds kept on

Keeping me battling when all felt wrong

Eyes deep with emotions

Hearts flowing with gold

Minds so pure

Story's un told

A thrive for life I felt was no more

This was the answer for me for sure

Without the innocent minds

Who knows where i would be

That love cleared the way

And showed me the path to stay

On that path I found just me

Not alone or sad 

But happy and ready to be free

I liked who I found

And took pride in what I was bound

Crushing the pain beneath the thumping strain

This was the way

The way to a happy end of day

They showed me the way 

The way to be me

Guided by the love that they shared so free

I took hold and prayed

I had reason to be brave

The same reason that made me feel so grey

I learnt I had more

More than ever before

A life so strong

One that will last forever long

That was my life

A life to provide

Provide for the ones that gave me reason to survive

I was happy again

Stronger than before

Proud of all the minds so pure

The smiles

The laughter

It all meant more

So much more than ever before

I swore I wouldn't look back

Positive and happy is what I lacked

Except to remember what it was that attacked

Back in the day when it all seemed so black

Now is my time 

My time to shine

Stay happy and continue to climb

Those are the words that will ring in my mind

I must not forget the bad times I survived

And the power from those who allowed me to thrive 

The innocent minds that change my time.

The minds that belong to two children I call mine.....

The father who walked away :(

Take a good look at those shoulders Tara because that is the last time you will ever see this man! Those were the words that whirled around in my head whilst laying in bed pregnant, scared, confused and poorly, whilst the man I loved stood in front of me, telling me that if I had a termination for him he would take me on holiday! He made it seem like such a treat for an act I was not sure I could carry out or want to do. As he turned to leave my bedroom and head to work, a sick ache filled the pit of my stomach as I knew I could not go through with a termination and therefore I was about to take the last glance at the man who had been the only guy to take my breath away! The man I adored and loved so much was also the man who was about to walk away from his daughter and never be seen again. How was I going to get through this!?

I was 8 weeks pregnant when I found out I was expecting. It had come as a huge shock, as I had just got back from a holiday in Miami where copious amounts of alcohol had been consumed and I was also taking the contraceptive pill. I was living in Rugby Warwickshire and had just received the great news that I had a new job in Birmingham with Social Services. I was living away from my family and friends and as you can imagine I felt completely alone. I always envisaged getting married, having children and living happily ever after. I guess this was a vision I had created and dreamed of due to my own family situation and growing up without my father. You could say I was very shocked when I found myself in a situation I took precautions to prevent. I must say that when I gave James the news that I was pregnant he was extremely good, he offered his support and said whatever decision I made he would stand by me, these were words that I was later to find out were a complete lie and front just to try and twist me into having a termination. Now I am not saying I am totally against abortion because I am not, however we all have our own beliefs and deal with situations differently. For me I could not go through with terminating this pregnancy. For James he could not go through with being a father and sadly that day in my flat was the last day I ever saw him.




Throughout being pregnant I battled a lot of demons, I was hurt, let down, angry, hormonal and in love. I had his baby growing inside me yet he wanted no part of her life. It made me very sad that his own mother who you would expect to have maternal instincts, was very nasty to me and also wanted nothing to do with her own grand daughter. I am no angel and whilst pregnant I said a lot of things that were uncalled for and behaved like a psychotic mad woman, however I was pregnant and I had been left to deal with this alone. On top of this my body was changing and I had no control or a partner to share the experience with. Every scan, every movement, every hiccup the baby made or every heart beat heard was experienced only by me and I was alone in this experience. There is nothing more painful then waiting to go into your scan whilst watching all the happy couples waiting excitedly to see their baby on the screen and there I was sat with my mum!! No matter how much people tell you they will be there for you, nothing can take that pain and humiliation away.




On the 8th April 2010 Isla-Mae Olivia Young was born weighing 8lbs 4oz at 21:45. I was fortunate enough to have my two great friends Sarah and Chloe at the birth to help me, although I am not sure who was more distressed me or them! But thank you girls for making it as fun and girly as possible. Well the next 4 days I spent recovering in hospital and trying to adapt to being a mum. It was a role I thought would come very easy to me, but in fact I struggled a lot at the start. My whole identity had changed, I had a duty and responsibility along with a loss of freedom. Whatever issues there were between me and James I had tried beyond belief to make him part of Isla-Mae's life, I wanted her to have a daddy but he still wanted no involvement. She is 3 years old now and he has never met her. I don't hate him, not only would it be a wasted emotion it would also be a selfish emotion, as he has his reasons I'm sure and as much as I had a choice, so did he. I hope that he is happy in his life and that no matter what, I will never bad mouth him to his daughter. Maybe one day he will be fortunate enough to have more children, I am sure he will realise just how wonderful it is to be a daddy. Our door is always open to him whatever our circumstances, I just hope that somewhere deep down inside he thinks about her because she asks about him.




I do truly believe that our life's path is mapped out for us, and in a way I truly am grateful for James walking away, it has made me a much stronger and independent person. I have learnt many things in the past 3 years, one of those being that he was not a person who was mapped into our world. I feel blessed to have my little girl and when she tells me she loves me and gives me a cuddle my heart melts. I get so much joy and feel so proud to watch her grow, develop and learn and you cannot put a price tag on that. 

I don't know what the future holds but I do know that after 3 years of blood, sweat and tears I finally have found peace and happiness within myself. I can't answer how and why a father or mother will walk away from their responsibilities I can just be there and try to make up with double the love. If ever Isla-Mae wants to look for her biological father, then I will give her the information to see him however the sad fact remains that she will probably get a door shut in her face. For now my aim is to help and advice single parents through Dream Bear, a passion I have gained through my own experience. It is so important in situations like these to reach out to people, and no one should ever feel ashamed in doing so. 


 

xxxxx Tara

Our special friends.......

Ever stopped and thought about the friends you have in your life and how much they mean to you? I mean really thought about it!? Well today I have been doing that. From the day you are born you start to form relationships through interaction with other babies at playgroups etc. You then hit school age and wham you are faced with a class room full of new faces, a situation you have never had to deal with before. You start to learn what friendships are about, you push boundaries, you fall out only to make up again! You cry together you laugh together, you share secrets and support each other in times of need! Each week you have a new best friend, you play at each others houses, you may even have sleep overs! Before you know it you are growing not only in age and personality but also in closeness.


So what about all those friends that you didn't necessarily meet at school!? I have been very fortunate enough to meet friends that I class as family outside of school. These have been co-workers, friends of friends, people I have met on a night out, friends I have met on holiday, at university, neighbours and many more random situations! I feel that I really do have a close group of friends that mean the world to me. I am not sure about you, but I find that certain friends play different roles in my life and I don't mean this in a horrible way at all! I simply mean that there are my friends who I tend to have a great time partying the night away with, and then there will be my friends who have children and we tend to do more child friendly activities.


Sometimes I think we all fall into the trap of taking our friends for granted and it can take something bad to happen to realise you may have neglected that friendship or not made time to invest into the relationship. It can be extremely hard when we all have different lives and differing responsibilities, however a friendship should also mean that you don't have to speak everyday to know you are still a true friend. I have had the pleasure of travelling on some wonderful journeys that have been created through the friends I have and they have helped to shape the person I am today! I really do believe that we become who we surround ourselves by, therefore without sounding harsh if someone is making you unhappy or creating a negative atmosphere around you, then maybe it is time to reevaluate that friendship! True friends do not lie, cheat or bad mouth you, they encourage, support, listen, help and laugh with you :) 


I recently witnessed the marriage of two of my closets friends Cuffie and Carlton! Cuffie looked beautiful and the pair of them looked the picture of happiness throughout the day. Not only was it an honour to be part of their celebration, it was also wonderful to be reunited with some of our friendship group from years ago! 


It was a beautiful day when they got married and at the wedding reception we were able to sit outside enjoying conversation and drinks whilst reminiscing about old times. It is days like this that you realise just how much your friends mean to you and how much you mean to them. Days like this that you can never recreate but ones that will leave the most treasured memories captured through our minds, hearts, souls and photographs!


As a single mum I have relied upon mr friends a great deal! They have supported both me and my daughter. They have helped me laugh when I have been sad, they have helped me become strong when I was weak! Just like the song Let Her Go by Passenger says...........never know you've been high until your feeling low! They have helped me stay focused, positive and driven! And even when I have hit rock bottom they still tolerated me! So I guess this blog is to all my beautiful and wonderful friends that are part of mine and my daughters life to say a huge thank you :) I may not always show my appreciation and at times I can be scatty and un-organised but I do care about each and every one of you dearly, without you all now I would not be here today! Never forget to take time to appreciate and be grateful in life, you never know what tomorrow holds!


Tara x

www.facebook.com/isladreambear

@TaraIMedia

Long, Lost and Found

Growing up I always felt like a part of me was missing! A feeling I can only describe to people who have never felt this, as a longing to find a piece of yourself that you feel is out there waiting to be found. Going through primary and secondary school I started to realise my missing link could possibly be down to the fact my father had never played a role in my life since the age of 3. This longing urge and desperation to have that role model of my dad in my world was always brought to my attention in situations where married couples were present. I can always remember quite vividly when round a friends house for tea, how I imagined being part of their family, just for a split second I felt fulfilled and complete! As strange as this may sound to some people, when lacking such a significant person sometimes imagination can help you escape into a world you yearn for!

There is that age old saying "don't wish your time away' yet here I am sat in front of the mirror looking at the reflection of a 30 year old female, wondering how I have reached this stage in my life in the blink of an eye. I have a 3 year old daughter who I adore with every bone in my body, yet I find myself carrying the pain of her biological father not wanting to be part of her life. How has this happened to me? How has she come to be in the same situation as her mother? How have I let this happen, how did it happen? I can't help believing the statistics that conclude history tends to repeat itself and that my daughter is a product of me! This is a feeling that I want to turn around and to create a life where she doesn't have to feel half a person like her mummy has for all these years. Although her father is absent (his own decision which I respect & accept) I hope one day I would have created a life for her in which she feels content, happy, fulfilled and loved.


So here I am one chilled evening watching long lost families. I always feel great emotion when watching this series as it is very close to my heart for many reasons! As one of my good friends Ryan Gooding who is a psychic medium told me, I have a great psychic ability, and call it six sense on this particular evening but something told me to look on friends reunited at my old account. With the way social media has evolved these days, I have not thought to go on there for a few years! So you can imagine my shock when I find a message in my inbox from my half brother some 6 months previous! It was 9pm at night but I wanted to meet him, he had left an email address for me to contact him on, however typically me, when I want something I do it there and then as I can't wait! So the following day I investigated possible addresses for my brother, knowing he was living in the same town I found this a very easy search and by 6pm I had an address! It is funny how you wait 30 years for something so special, awkward and almost dream like! Yet when it arrived I felt completely at ease! Maybe this is a sign that my missing link was finally slotting together! So I arrive at my brothers house, I stand outside and then walk past! I am asking myself- what if he has changed his mind about meeting me? What if he has a family who I upset by turning up? What if I meet him and feel nothing? It's a strange feeling to know that you have a biological family who you have not seen for 27 years and to then have to build feelings and a relationship from scratch. Before I could think anything else I had knocked on his door, there was no going back now and I waited nervously as a man answered the door! I can say at this point that I was very lucky as I got an extremely positive response, something that not everyone in my situation would have! Also I am sad to say that this is a response my daughter will never get from her biological paternal side, but this is their loss. That evening I gained 2 new half brothers Philip and David, a nephew Finley and my dad! 


Friends and family that know me personally will know that my father was 23 years older than my mum and therefore I am meeting my dad when he is aged 85 and living as a Chelsea pensioner. My half brother Philip is 51 so again between us all we have quite a big age gap. This doesn't make me feel embarrassed or ashamed but it makes me sad :( In fact I have a deep sadness as I now start to build a relationship with a man who may not be in my life for a very long time. How do I deal with this when the time comes? how have we lost 27 precious years of life together? Part of me feels strange calling him dad as it is a word I have never used to describe a man, I also feel panic in how much time we have left together but I am extremely happy and grateful that we do have this moment and that it is special. I have gained a great relationship with my half brother who is a complete punk covered in tattoos! I guess this is where my love for piercings and tattoos come from. In fact it is quite scary to see and feel how alike we both are even though our lives have been completely separate!

I'm not sure what the future holds for us but I am a true believer in fate and the law of attraction. It was funny because again Ryan Gooding had given me a great reading into what was going on in my life and what is going to happen and so far everything he said is being completed! He is a great person in my life, positive and a trusted friend who helps me with situations like these and I am very grateful to him. For now I am continuing on my journey of filling in all those blanks and asking all the right questions, whilst filling my life with love, joy and happiness. I have now completed myself in finding my missing link and what I would say to anyone in this or a similar situation is that life is too short, you will not regret the things you did but more the things you didn't do! So reach out and find that person, you have nothing to lose and like me it could be the best thing to happen to you :) 

If you ever need any advice or help then please feel free to contact me

www.facebook.com/isladreambear 

@TaraIMedia