Monday, 6 May 2013

Inside out, outside in life of me……

Almost 4 years ago I found myself in a situation that I would consider my worst nightmare and one I never envisaged myself being in! I was 8 weeks pregnant and the biological father was about to walk out of my flat to never be seen again! This was the man who stole my heart, faith, trust and crushed me in one single act. I was scared, frightened and my body was changing every second of every minute and I had no control over it. I felt like my life had ended yet I was developing another human being inside me, this battle between my emotions and staying positive and healthy was extremely hard. So many thoughts were running through my head…..”Why and how can he just leave?” “How am I going to cope?” “I will never get over this!” all of these questions were in my mind all day every day and I had to deal with these on a daily basis, whilst my hormones were at an all-time high and my body was stretching and expanding and changing in ways only mothers understand.

As the nine months of my pregnancy developed I had to go through the grieving process for the father of my child, and whilst his cruel act is enough to put anyone off their food, he was the love of my life and I was carrying his daughter. Each day during my pregnancy it would become a bit easier and my feelings would change from hurt to anger and back again. On the 8th April 2010 Isla-Mae Olivia Young was born in Essex weighing an ironic 8lb 4oz! My feelings of love, happiness and relief all came crashing down on me the minute I saw her little face, this was it I thought, now the baby had been born I could move on and build our lives, however I was not prepared for what was about to hit me…….Postnatal Depression! I don’t think you ever realise how deep in depression you are until someone tells you they are worried about you or you do something stupid. Shame, guilt, sadness, anger, sleep deprivation are just some of the symptoms that come hand in hand with this health issue. I think the turning point for me came when one evening I drove to my local supermarket to do my weekly shop and instead of parking I drove straight into the car park and back out again without stopping! The sheer panic of getting out of the car hit me, and I got home and broke down. There is no shame in admitting you are suffering, there is no shame in admitting you have Postnatal Depression, and there is no shame in seeking help.

If I look back now on this period in my life it is like a foggy haze. I think it is fair to say I was so deep in my emotions that I now have no memory of the state of mind I was then in. Once I realised I needed help I did the obvious and spoke to my GP who I must say is an amazing Doctor. I did what most women do and started on a course of anti-depressants which at first really helped. The issue with these are that they don’t target the issue that is causing the depression in the first place. So I then started reading self-help books, I read positive quotes, saw mediums, looked at different religions…….I guess I was desperate to heal. I then started to look at my life; I started backwards at all I had lost and all I had gained along the way and at what I wanted to achieve. It then dawned on me that no pills, self-help books or words of wisdom were going to cure me, I was! Ever wondered how certain people make such a success of their life?! Well they did so because they believed in themselves, they trusted their instincts and they believed in their dream. It was then that I stopped taking anti-depressants, I binned the books and I set a goal…….the goal was to be back in employment earning a good wage doing a job I loved, which in turn could support me and my daughter. 1.5 years on I am now joint partner with an amazing lady called Tanya and we run a successful Social Media company. I have started my dream project called Dream Bear which supports single parents, I have a lovely home that me and my daughter feel very content in and I have an amazing support network of family and friends. I have achieved and excelled in certain work projects which have not only given me a great deal of confidence and a sense of achievement but have helped me find myself again. So I guess my message is this……..when and if you are feeling down, believe in yourself, throw away any negatives around you, set a goal and go and get it, because the only person that is stopping you and who will help you is yourself!

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