Christmas

The realisation has hit me that Christmas is just round the corner! I think I have actually gone into panic mode! I have done absolutely nothing, not one single present bought for anyone, I have not even wrote a single Christmas card. This I feel guilty about, as I love to send cards to the people who mean a lot to me, especially the ones who I don't get to see or stay in touch with as much as I should. I am now going to make it my mission to make these people know how much they mean to me this festive period. I feel that we all lead such busy and hectic lifestyles that sometimes we don't show our friends how much they mean to us, so I am taking Christmas as the opportunity to do this.........you may be receiving love from me ;)

So Christmas as a single parent, what does it mean to you? How do you spend the festive holiday? Do you look forward to It or do you dread it due to circumstances or financial worry? It is such a magical time for not only children but adults too yet through years of increasing commercialisation we seem to have lost the meaning of what Christmas is really about, which is the birth of Jesus.

It seems the focus is completely on decorations, food, drink, and an expensive list of presents! Whilst I am not disputing that I myself are amongst the people who think of Christmas in this way i still fear that we are to blame in the way this celebration period is changing and what views our children are starting to adopt.

I really want that magical feeling back, I want to go carol singing and I want my daughter to grow up appreciating Christmas and not expecting the latest IPad or other techno gimmick. This should be a chance to celebrate with love and feeling and spend it with the people we care about. For me I feel this is a great time to also reflect on the past years events and give gratitude for all you have.

With the increasing commercialisation of Christmas, single parents and parents in general are feeling the pressure and stress of fulfilling the "idea" of what Christmas is today, which is presents, presents and more presents! I was walking with Isla-Mae the other day and two boys were stood chatting, I could hear they were talking about what they wanted for Christmas, what upset me the most was the fact they were then comparing how many presents they each got and the value of each present! How upsetting that our children today see this as a competition and not only is this a bad view to have but this also places parents under pressure too.

I for one will not be stretching my budget to accommodate the commercialised Christmas that we have today! I will be gifting my friends and family with what my budget allows for. The gift in my eyes is about thought not price tag. Isla Mae gave me a leaf the other day and with it came the words "I love you mummy" to me this means more than any gift money could buy and if my budget buys this kind of response from my child then I am one happy mummy.

Single parents have a hard time through out the whole year struggling financially, feeling the stigma and trying to fit in. There is no shame in not being able to afford Christmas......love and company is all you need! I have come up with a few ideas for Christmas gifts on a budget that I hope will help some of you who are feeling the struggle this year and these are as follows:

• Pound, pound and more pound stores! You will be surprised what gifts can be found in the pound store.
• Charity shops/boot sales/selling groups online- are great sources for gifts, second hand is not to be knocked and you will be surprised at the quality of gifts that can be found today.
• Shop early- prepare for Christmas 2014 by grabbing reduced and sale items in January! Keeping a box of gifts in your wardrobe and topping it up gradually through the year, spreads the cost and eases the stress.
• Special offers- keep your eyes open in stores at the special offers

Remember Christmas is to be enjoyed not feared! If you are feeling stressed or are going to be spending Christmas alone and feel very lonely and lost then PLEASE message me as I would love to chat to you. Let's make this Christmas a magical one for our children.

Love to you all

Tara and Dream Bear xxx

The Beginning

With a glass of red in one hand and a cigaret in the other, I have, after a few turbulent weeks finally found my bloggers mojo! It has taken me an evening of copious amounts of alcohol and close friends to reach my next blog.....the beginning!!

I guess in times when you are feeling so low that only yourself can describe as lost! Is the time when you have feelings such as being engulfed in a black cloud, where you feel you have no where to run but then realise that you have everything, everything you ever wanted or needed around you! My friends :) At times it can be hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel, to see where your future lies, but then suddenly it's like a light switch flickers on and you see that your destiny is a future from the current journey you are riding.

My journey started with that Teddy bear known as Dream Bear, the bear that has not only brought my daughter such happiness and comfort but also brought me a vast amount of love and reassurance! To some this may seem silly or even ridiculous however this Teddy Bear has become the glue and missing jigsaw puzzle to so many things in our life.

He is our guidance, our support, our friend, our family, our neighbour, our counsellor, best friend and soul mate. Dream Bear is our passion and he will continue to help us grow as a family and hopefully help other single parents.

From the the day I got my new bed from Dreams bed store, the teddy that was given to us free with that bed has given my daughter the extra support structure that she needed and lacked from another parent......her biological father.

Being a single mother I have always been passionate about the rights, advice, support and information that is available in such a crucial and hard role. It is my passion and aim to help other single parents in such positions to succeed, feel happy, loved and parent their child in the best way possible with the use of my wing man Dream Bear. I genuinely feel that there is a shortage in help for single parents as there is so much that goes with this label, such as depression, financial worry, social acceptance, emotional support, physical support such as funded childcare, abuse, relationship advice etc, my list could go on and on. Sometimes and not just single parents, go through such pain and will feel completely overwhelmed by certain circumstances, I want to open that communication channel where when in these situations a person can come to Dream Bear and feel like they have a friend :)

Dream Bear is a support network I have set up to help do just that. I have been overwhelmed by the feedback and messages I receive across the UK from single parents in similar situations, which each day gives me the acknowledgement and reassurance in knowing that I am doing the right job! It started with me writing (blogging) about my thoughts, feelings, behaviours and fears and has now travelled into the social media world with myself being made an official blogger for mumsnet and I am also having a website created where there will be a forum for single parents to chat, along with lots of information, advice, offers and lifestyle content. Dream bear is on a journey, we have a clear direction but with day to day life experiences and feedback from the public, we continue to evolve, heading in many directions. We have celebrity backing which helps us immensely and also confirms our worth.
Our beginning began the day I fell pregnant and continues to grow 4 years on!

If you would be interested in volunteering in anyway then please contact myself (Tara) on the Dream Bear Facebook page :) We would love your help! A special thanks here goes to all those who have helped me make this dream a reality! I love you all long time, you know who you are :)

Good evening guys and dolls
Tara & Dream Bear xxxxxxx

The journey is the best bit....

I recently had a friend say to me "enjoy the journey instead of longing for the destination" these words really stuck in my mind and I started to replay my whole life and all the great memories I have. As I started to remember certain aspects I tried to recall my thoughts and feelings at those times and what I could remember is that I was very happy. I then started to think about why I am now so keen on reaching certain goals or destinations without acknowledging or enjoying the current path I am on? Maybe it's a combination of things such as my age, my circumstances, my insecurities etc. whatever these reasons are her words have struck a cord with me and I now have really taken note!


Sometimes the things you want or the things you think you want are actually wrong for you. If you are so desperate for something that you don't have then it is probably not meant to be yours because if it was it would come easy and the obsession to reach the destination would not be there. We can all get so caught up in trying to achieve so much so quickly that we loose focus on how great and enjoyable our current path is. A lot of the time we won't reach a certain destination because life throws curve balls every now and then! This is when we need to embrace the good with the bad and enjoy the ride, even negatives become positives because they teach us new things and make us stronger people.

When you are trying to escape your life because you feel overwhelmed it is all to easy to yearn to have the life of another, however no one is perfect and a life that may appear Rosie to the eye often has its own problems and is not necessarily suited to all people. As I sit and focus on what I have I realise that I have achieved a lot! I have studied at university and gained a BA Hons degree, I have visited many exotic countries, I have moved away from home, I have partied until I cannot party anymore! making the most amazing friends along the way and I have created a beautiful life, my daughter. Maybe it is because I have experienced all these wonderful things that I long for them once again! However at 30 it is time to get in the real world and stop trying to live a dream life. I am truly blessed with my daughter and although life is a struggle, whose isn't! I am on a journey that I am now enjoying, life throws the most random things at you at times and I am really experiencing some great new openings which I am grasping with both hands. Whatever our destination is I am really enjoying the ride whilst making fantastic connections. We are all in control of our own destiny and I am damn intent in spreading my wings and making the best of it.......

So my advice to you is this, don't get bogged down by feeling that happiness is only achieved by the destination, because most of our fondest memories have been our journeys to where we are now! Enjoy what you have and treat the people you have around you with respect. You never know what tomorrow holds. Keep those goals in mind and go for them :)

Tara xxxx

Don't forget to like us on www.facebook.com/isladreambear

& follow us on Twitter @DreamBear5 

The father who walked away :(

Take a good look at those shoulders Tara because that is the last time you will ever see this man! Those were the words that whirled around in my head whilst laying in bed pregnant, scared, confused and poorly, whilst the man I loved stood in front of me, telling me that if I had a termination for him he would take me on holiday! He made it seem like such a treat for an act I was not sure I could carry out or want to do. As he turned to leave my bedroom and head to work, a sick ache filled the pit of my stomach as I knew I could not go through with a termination and therefore I was about to take the last glance at the man who had been the only guy to take my breath away! The man I adored and loved so much was also the man who was about to walk away from his daughter and never be seen again. How was I going to get through this!?

I was 8 weeks pregnant when I found out I was expecting. It had come as a huge shock, as I had just got back from a holiday in Miami where copious amounts of alcohol had been consumed and I was also taking the contraceptive pill. I was living in Rugby Warwickshire and had just received the great news that I had a new job in Birmingham with Social Services. I was living away from my family and friends and as you can imagine I felt completely alone. I always envisaged getting married, having children and living happily ever after. I guess this was a vision I had created and dreamed of due to my own family situation and growing up without my father. You could say I was very shocked when I found myself in a situation I took precautions to prevent. I must say that when I gave James the news that I was pregnant he was extremely good, he offered his support and said whatever decision I made he would stand by me, these were words that I was later to find out were a complete lie and front just to try and twist me into having a termination. Now I am not saying I am totally against abortion because I am not, however we all have our own beliefs and deal with situations differently. For me I could not go through with terminating this pregnancy. For James he could not go through with being a father and sadly that day in my flat was the last day I ever saw him.




Throughout being pregnant I battled a lot of demons, I was hurt, let down, angry, hormonal and in love. I had his baby growing inside me yet he wanted no part of her life. It made me very sad that his own mother who you would expect to have maternal instincts, was very nasty to me and also wanted nothing to do with her own grand daughter. I am no angel and whilst pregnant I said a lot of things that were uncalled for and behaved like a psychotic mad woman, however I was pregnant and I had been left to deal with this alone. On top of this my body was changing and I had no control or a partner to share the experience with. Every scan, every movement, every hiccup the baby made or every heart beat heard was experienced only by me and I was alone in this experience. There is nothing more painful then waiting to go into your scan whilst watching all the happy couples waiting excitedly to see their baby on the screen and there I was sat with my mum!! No matter how much people tell you they will be there for you, nothing can take that pain and humiliation away.




On the 8th April 2010 Isla-Mae Olivia Young was born weighing 8lbs 4oz at 21:45. I was fortunate enough to have my two great friends Sarah and Chloe at the birth to help me, although I am not sure who was more distressed me or them! But thank you girls for making it as fun and girly as possible. Well the next 4 days I spent recovering in hospital and trying to adapt to being a mum. It was a role I thought would come very easy to me, but in fact I struggled a lot at the start. My whole identity had changed, I had a duty and responsibility along with a loss of freedom. Whatever issues there were between me and James I had tried beyond belief to make him part of Isla-Mae's life, I wanted her to have a daddy but he still wanted no involvement. She is 3 years old now and he has never met her. I don't hate him, not only would it be a wasted emotion it would also be a selfish emotion, as he has his reasons I'm sure and as much as I had a choice, so did he. I hope that he is happy in his life and that no matter what, I will never bad mouth him to his daughter. Maybe one day he will be fortunate enough to have more children, I am sure he will realise just how wonderful it is to be a daddy. Our door is always open to him whatever our circumstances, I just hope that somewhere deep down inside he thinks about her because she asks about him.




I do truly believe that our life's path is mapped out for us, and in a way I truly am grateful for James walking away, it has made me a much stronger and independent person. I have learnt many things in the past 3 years, one of those being that he was not a person who was mapped into our world. I feel blessed to have my little girl and when she tells me she loves me and gives me a cuddle my heart melts. I get so much joy and feel so proud to watch her grow, develop and learn and you cannot put a price tag on that. 

I don't know what the future holds but I do know that after 3 years of blood, sweat and tears I finally have found peace and happiness within myself. I can't answer how and why a father or mother will walk away from their responsibilities I can just be there and try to make up with double the love. If ever Isla-Mae wants to look for her biological father, then I will give her the information to see him however the sad fact remains that she will probably get a door shut in her face. For now my aim is to help and advice single parents through Dream Bear, a passion I have gained through my own experience. It is so important in situations like these to reach out to people, and no one should ever feel ashamed in doing so. 


 

xxxxx Tara

Inside out, outside in life of me……

Almost 4 years ago I found myself in a situation that I would consider my worst nightmare and one I never envisaged myself being in! I was 8 weeks pregnant and the biological father was about to walk out of my flat to never be seen again! This was the man who stole my heart, faith, trust and crushed me in one single act. I was scared, frightened and my body was changing every second of every minute and I had no control over it. I felt like my life had ended yet I was developing another human being inside me, this battle between my emotions and staying positive and healthy was extremely hard. So many thoughts were running through my head…..”Why and how can he just leave?” “How am I going to cope?” “I will never get over this!” all of these questions were in my mind all day every day and I had to deal with these on a daily basis, whilst my hormones were at an all-time high and my body was stretching and expanding and changing in ways only mothers understand.

As the nine months of my pregnancy developed I had to go through the grieving process for the father of my child, and whilst his cruel act is enough to put anyone off their food, he was the love of my life and I was carrying his daughter. Each day during my pregnancy it would become a bit easier and my feelings would change from hurt to anger and back again. On the 8^th April 2010 Isla-Mae Olivia Young was born in Essex weighing an ironic 8lb 4oz! My feelings of love, happiness and relief all came crashing down on me the minute I saw her little face, this was it I thought, now the baby had been born I could move on and build our lives, however I was not prepared for what was about to hit me…….Postnatal Depression! I don’t think you ever realise how deep in depression you are until someone tells you they are worried about you or you do something stupid. Shame, guilt, sadness, anger, sleep deprivation are just some of the symptoms that come hand in hand with this health issue. I think the turning point for me came when one evening I drove to my local supermarket to do my weekly shop and instead of parking I drove straight into the car park and back out again without stopping! The sheer panic of getting out of the car hit me, and I got home and broke down. There is no shame in admitting you are suffering, there is no shame in admitting you have Postnatal Depression, and there is no shame in seeking help.

If I look back now on this period in my life it is like a foggy haze. I think it is fair to say I was so deep in my emotions that I now have no memory of the state of mind I was then in. Once I realised I needed help I did the obvious and spoke to my GP who I must say is an amazing Doctor. I did what most women do and started on a course of anti-depressants which at first really helped. The issue with these are that they don’t target the issue that is causing the depression in the first place. So I then started reading self-help books, I read positive quotes, saw mediums, looked at different religions…….I guess I was desperate to heal. I then started to look at my life; I started backwards at all I had lost and all I had gained along the way and at what I wanted to achieve. It then dawned on me that no pills, self-help books or words of wisdom were going to cure me, I was! Ever wondered how certain people make such a success of their life?! Well they did so because they believed in themselves, they trusted their instincts and they believed in their dream. It was then that I stopped taking anti-depressants, I binned the books and I set a goal…….the goal was to be back in employment earning a good wage doing a job I loved, which in turn could support me and my daughter. 1.5 years on I am now joint partner with an amazing lady called Tanya and we run a successful Social Media company. I have started my dream project called Dream Bear which supports single parents, I have a lovely home that me and my daughter feel very content in and I have an amazing support network of family and friends. I have achieved and excelled in certain work projects which have not only given me a great deal of confidence and a sense of achievement but have helped me find myself again. So I guess my message is this……..when and if you are feeling down, believe in yourself, throw away any negatives around you, set a goal and go and get it, because the only person that is stopping you and who will help you is yourself!

I hope you enjoyed my blog, please visit and like my page http://www.facebook.com/Isladreambear?ref=hl