Tuesday, 27 August 2013

The father who walked away :(

Take a good look at those shoulders Tara because that is the last time you will ever see this man! Those were the words that whirled around in my head whilst laying in bed pregnant, scared, confused and poorly, whilst the man I loved stood in front of me, telling me that if I had a termination for him he would take me on holiday! He made it seem like such a treat for an act I was not sure I could carry out or want to do. As he turned to leave my bedroom and head to work, a sick ache filled the pit of my stomach as I knew I could not go through with a termination and therefore I was about to take the last glance at the man who had been the only guy to take my breath away! The man I adored and loved so much was also the man who was about to walk away from his daughter and never be seen again. How was I going to get through this!?
I was 8 weeks pregnant when I found out I was expecting. It had come as a huge shock, as I had just got back from a holiday in Miami where copious amounts of alcohol had been consumed and I was also taking the contraceptive pill. I was living in Rugby Warwickshire and had just received the great news that I had a new job in Birmingham with Social Services. I was living away from my family and friends and as you can imagine I felt completely alone. I always envisaged getting married, having children and living happily ever after. I guess this was a vision I had created and dreamed of due to my own family situation and growing up without my father. You could say I was very shocked when I found myself in a situation I took precautions to prevent. I must say that when I gave James the news that I was pregnant he was extremely good, he offered his support and said whatever decision I made he would stand by me, these were words that I was later to find out were a complete lie and front just to try and twist me into having a termination. Now I am not saying I am totally against abortion because I am not, however we all have our own beliefs and deal with situations differently. For me I could not go through with terminating this pregnancy. For James he could not go through with being a father and sadly that day in my flat was the last day I ever saw him.
Throughout being pregnant I battled a lot of demons, I was hurt, let down, angry, hormonal and in love. I had his baby growing inside me yet he wanted no part of her life. It made me very sad that his own mother who you would expect to have maternal instincts, was very nasty to me and also wanted nothing to do with her own grand daughter. I am no angel and whilst pregnant I said a lot of things that were uncalled for and behaved like a psychotic mad woman, however I was pregnant and I had been left to deal with this alone. On top of this my body was changing and I had no control or a partner to share the experience with. Every scan, every movement, every hiccup the baby made or every heart beat heard was experienced only by me and I was alone in this experience. There is nothing more painful then waiting to go into your scan whilst watching all the happy couples waiting excitedly to see their baby on the screen and there I was sat with my mum!! No matter how much people tell you they will be there for you, nothing can take that pain and humiliation away.
On the 8th April 2010 Isla-Mae Olivia Young was born weighing 8lbs 4oz at 21:45. I was fortunate enough to have my two great friends Sarah and Chloe at the birth to help me, although I am not sure who was more distressed me or them! But thank you girls for making it as fun and girly as possible. Well the next 4 days I spent recovering in hospital and trying to adapt to being a mum. It was a role I thought would come very easy to me, but in fact I struggled a lot at the start. My whole identity had changed, I had a duty and responsibility along with a loss of freedom. Whatever issues there were between me and James I had tried beyond belief to make him part of Isla-Mae's life, I wanted her to have a daddy but he still wanted no involvement. She is 3 years old now and he has never met her. I don't hate him, not only would it be a wasted emotion it would also be a selfish emotion, as he has his reasons I'm sure and as much as I had a choice, so did he. I hope that he is happy in his life and that no matter what, I will never bad mouth him to his daughter. Maybe one day he will be fortunate enough to have more children, I am sure he will realise just how wonderful it is to be a daddy. Our door is always open to him whatever our circumstances, I just hope that somewhere deep down inside he thinks about her because she asks about him.
I do truly believe that our life's path is mapped out for us, and in a way I truly am grateful for James walking away, it has made me a much stronger and independent person. I have learnt many things in the past 3 years, one of those being that he was not a person who was mapped into our world. I feel blessed to have my little girl and when she tells me she loves me and gives me a cuddle my heart melts. I get so much joy and feel so proud to watch her grow, develop and learn and you cannot put a price tag on that.  I don't know what the future holds but I do know that after 3 years of blood, sweat and tears I finally have found peace and happiness within myself. I can't answer how and why a father or mother will walk away from their responsibilities I can just be there and try to make up with double the love. If ever Isla-Mae wants to look for her biological father, then I will give her the information to see him however the sad fact remains that she will probably get a door shut in her face. For now my aim is to help and advice single parents through Dream Bear, a passion I have gained through my own experience. It is so important in situations like these to reach out to people, and no one should ever feel ashamed in doing so. 
xxxxx Tara

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